Joe Simpson photographs Tom Sandoval.
I repeat: Joe Simpson photographs Tom Sandoval
JOE SIMPSON.
If you say his name three times, hell appear.
Credit: Bravo
Or it’s possible for you to simply go to his house apparently for photo shoots!
I still cant get over this development.
This is like when Johnny Depp showed up at the end ofFantastic Beasts.
I almost fell out of my chair.
I have so many questions.
Is Jessica aware of this development?
Is Joe affiliated with a modeling agency?
What does Ashlee Simpson do on a daily basis?
For starters, the pair seem to fight a helluva lot.
So they have numbers but not names.
Oh, and one of their friends doodled a little penis instead of a check.
It doesnt take Hercule Poirot to figure out thats likely Jax.
This group loves talking/drawing/discussing penises, thats for damn sure.
They seem like a good idea, but someone is gonna get cut.
Things are only going to get worse.
All right, now its time to talk about Joe Simpson.
So Sandoval is interested in getting back into modeling, and he needs to take some photos.
Naturally, he goes to the photographer everyone is talking about… Jessica Simpsons dad.
Schwartz comes along and chooses to wear a very odd headband that appears to have flamingos on it.
Sandoval, meanwhile, puts on something that I think would look natural at Burning Man.
Its a lot of fabric.
Then it comes time for Joe Simpsons words of wisdom: Stomach in.
I hope he has that stitched on a pillow somewhere.
Or, at the very least, framed in his art room.
James is like the Kellyanne Conway ofVanderpump Rules.
The dude just spins everything until it makes zero sense.
And that she like crawled into bed with him.
Um, James, we have actually all watched you for like three seasons now.
Weve seen your work.
The meal she prepares for her mother is toast and a scoop of cookie dough.
Obvs Stassi starts crying while Nikolai is like eating mac and cheese.
Its a weird scene.
Its calledArrivingorHorizonor something he didnt enunciate enough for me.
Its a sci-fi film that hes hoping will become a full-length blockbuster.
His space man wardrobe actually looks oddly similar to his Joe Simpson/modeling photos look.
Pandora makes her first appearance in a long time, too.
She and Scheana show up at Lisa Vs house to steal some sangria.
Oh, and also to talk some s about Katie.
Scheana hates that Katie keeps making everything about her.
Jax obvs asks Lisa V if she has anything like left over that they could use.
Poor, poor, husky suit Jax.
There is no way hes gonna fit into anything in her closet.
And yet he goes with Sandoval and Ariana.
Jax attempts a wrap dress, but, despite his breast reductions, his cup still runneth over.
Sandoval gets a nice bra and tries on a few necklaces.
Circling back to the bad wedding vibes, we end with a scene of Schwartz and Katie getting food.
Schwartz just brings up the Pandora party and Katie basically flies into a rage about how its her day.
Then, she telepathically lights the restaurant on fire.
No, she just storms out after Schwartz accuses her of being drunk.
Im not unconvinced Katie couldnt start a fire with her mind if she concentrated enough.
