Because you’ve already done something today!
Read on for all our favorite moments.
EPISODE 1: Kimmy Gets Divorced?!
Credit: Eric Liebowitz / Netflix
Welcome back to the world of Kimmy Schmidt!
So, on we go: into season 3, with a purpose!
Last we saw him, he was on a cruise; now, he is evidently not.
I have watched enough episodes ofCSI(total: two) to know thatsomething has happened.
And what of the characters whodidntbegin this episode washed up on a beach?
Kimmy, decidedly dry and indoors, has finally completed her GED!
Jacquelines advice, concurred with by the O.G.
desperate housewife Mimi Kanasis, is that Kimmy should seize the opportunity to be the one in control.
First extortion,thenorientation, just as our founding fathers intended.
Jacqueline and Lillian, to their credit, also enter this season with some developments in their relationships.
Its basically just like Oscar the Grouch but with more syringes.
Best Titus-ism:Im gonna get up at morning, or however you say it.
Best non-Titus-ism:You knowPlayboydoesnt have nudity anymore?
You have to draw the nipples on yourself.
Lillian, maligning the present
Ugh, the call dropped again.
Get it together, Africa!
Jacqueline, trying to call Russ
So, how did he dump you?
Lillian, ever against changes to the neighborhood, claims that the clean-up will encourage gentrification.
Deciding she can dream bigger as well, she throws out her tool.
And then, theres Titus.
Titus claims a new issue: He doesnt believe that two gay men can be friends.
But without saying a word, Titus escorts Mikey to the suburbs to meet his first boyfriend, Roger.
What the what?!
I recognize that this is the second time Titus has referenced Patti LaBelle a happy trend!
Best cameo:Um, did you evenseeHamilton?
Theres a knock at the door; its Wendy Hebert (Dern), delivering the updated divorce settlement.
Extremely weirded out, Kimmy eats the divorce papers and blames it on Lucifer, their imaginary dog.
Richard Wayne Gary Wayne.
The Reverend commented that it was more of a creativebitingworkshop.
(Hes like a young William Carlos Williams, dont you think?)
Are you like that lady who married Charles Manson so she could sell his body when he dies?
Because thats a relationship we can all understand!
And because they only see each other an hour a week, he wont see that shes useless.
That flips the switch, and now Titus wants to help, but Kimmy is now more resistant.
But you know what might help?
Saying random words to trigger a bunker flashback!
(Which also gives Titus an excuse to just hang out and eat cheese.)
Deciding she cant let the Reverend hurt yet another person, Kimmy tells Wendy she wont sign the papers.
Jacqueline also has a plan that gets upended.
Part of that includes buying him a gift: the ping-pong paddle Forrest Gump used to defeat the Chinese.
(Oh, while you were in the bunker, we found out Forrest Gump is real.)
For that family to accept her, Jacqueline tells Kimmy, they have to think shes white.
WinAmericas Next Top Model), but ultimately decides to stay.
Estimated number of pop culture references:14.
Best cameo:This Laura Dern character isnt exactly enlightened.
Now I know why Yoda looked like a piece of dried green poop.
Best non-Titus-isms:I should have bought you one of those sexy clear belts they had at Christies.
you’ve got the option to see EVERYTHING.
Lillian, meanwhile, is finding politics to be a lot harder than she expected.
Thankfully for Titus, the man who hired him to sing isnt a Hannibal Lecter bang out.
But Gordys songs all veer hard into wild conspiracy-theory territory.
(Sample lyrics: Milk has an expiration date/ We should do that with the elderly, Benghazi!
/ Hillary was there, and, The Supreme Court wears robes to hide their octopus bodies.
when Titus calls her asking for advice on Gordys song.
Should he sing something thats so offensive?
By the time she wakes up, the councils already voted in favor of opening the grocery store.
This is what Titus thought was too much and, lets be honest, its no Peeno Noir.
And… shes good at it.Reallygood, thanks to all that crank turning in the bunker.
Because even dancing robots love that kowabunga lifestyle.
Put in $100 an hour.
No murderer can afford that except for Hannibal Lecter; he has a thriving psychiatry practice!
Dont you know taking a picture of a gay man unannounced is a hate crime?
Music is very powerful, like that Kars 4 Kids commercial.
Jessica Derschowitz(Click ahead for episode 5)
EPISODE 5: Kimmy Steps on a Crack!
Any kid knows if you step on a sidewalk crack, you break your mothers back.
But instead of living like a queen, Gretchen has turned into a den mom.
Shes a woman who isnt getting her due as a cult leader.
Death is the eternal sleep Kimmy, she says, And mommy needs a nap.
Kimmy thinks the problem is that shes a Gretchen, not that shes a woman.
Gretchen sees the truth in this and agrees.
My next cult is going to be all women, she says before surrendering.
And it looks like she got her wish because her next stop is a prison.
AND OMG THIS IS ANORANGE IS THE NEW BLACKCROSSOVER.
What does this mean!?
And when does this happen in theOITNBtimeline?
Is Gretchen in Litchfield?
Could Lillian show up onOrange?
That seems like a natural progression for her character, tbh.
Too many questions and were not even through the episode yet.
In a B-plot thats barely befitting of him, Titus has scurvy.
Speaking of vegetables, Jacqueline iscooking.
Yes, you read that right.
A Snyder is marrying a Mara sister which will create a Giants/Redskins football family conglomerate.
Jacqueline doesnt want to give up Russ recipe, but she wants to keep the family close.
And she cooksGhost-pottery-style with Meemaw.
When she brings it to the event and Duke realizes she truly respects Russ, he loses it.
Not only does Russ have a secret family recipe, but he also has a wife who loves him.
Duke gets upset and then kisses Jacqueline.
Problem Kimmy had to solve:Gretchens cult compound/FBI standoff.
Problem Jacqueline had to solve:Learning how to cook.
Problem Lillian had to solve:Finding Titus fruit or veggies.
More like Slutberry Slut-skank, Gretchen responds.
(Are they wrong?)
She might care more about this if she knew who Solange Knowles was.
Titus definitely ate someone during his time on the cruise, right?
(I do not need that flashback.)
First thought wordplay is one of the symptoms of scurvy.
Can we stop by whatever a Century 21 is in Pennsylvania?
That would be a Boscovs maam.
[surveillance photos to prove it] Donna Maria is going onShark Tank Espanol.
The Modells wedding registry was reminiscent of30 Rocks blatant product placements.
Titus has been taking Vitamin Si, which are just buttons.
A male Kimmy wouldnt be treated this way.
Dalene Rovenstine(Click ahead for episode 6)
EPISODE 6: Kimmy Is a Feminist!
Kimmy was accepted to Columbia University and is living that college lyfe.
Theyll all be going to a Day After Valentines Day party Xan is coming, too.
Kimmy sees a familiar face in the quad Perry!
(Told ya Kimmy was racking up the cool points.)
Meanwhile, Duke shows up at Jacquelines door.
Hes sorry about their kiss and wants to make it up to her with champagne, of course!
Jacqueline invites him in how else will she get the name of the Redskins changed?
but calls Titus for interference.
But Duke is onto Flouncy.
She feels like a hooker, but her crew-crew tells her to say sex worker instead.
Kimmy freaks out and literally throws a garbage can at him.
Lillian heads to Chez White to take a stab at help Jacqueline manage the Duke-Titus-Flouncy-Cork situation.
Hell wake up the next morning and think they had sex!
Its a genius plan!
healwayscalls his dad after he has sex, and he has no outgoing calls to his father.
The iPad has someveryincriminating evidence.
And the whole conversation is recorded!
If this gets out, it will destroy Duke.
Oh, and Titus wins, too.
Coming up in the world!
Best Titus-ism:I overstand.
Best non-Titus-isms:Were tapping the keg at 9, with the kegs consent, of course.
Austin at a party at Columbia University
My first college party.
Im gonna go to town on some hot D desserts!
Kimmy
You guys are so smart.
I just called you guys guys.
And can I say man?
Boy, this is hard!
Now, I said boy!
Kimmy, trying to remain gender neutral
I know I have a certain effect on men.
I cant even go to the zoo anymore.
Jacqueline
Did you know feminism is sexy now?
Kimmy to Jacqueline
What are you going to do?
It better not be m-e-s-s-i-n-g around.
Kimmy, warning Jacqueline of Dukes wiles
Its my gay best friend, Flouncy Magoo.
Jacqueline nicknaming Titus under pressure
Being empowered sure is cold.
Jacqueline to Titus
Duke is my key in rich, mean, knows a lot about watches.
Prepping for the storm, Titus takes his boombox in for its 5-year complimentary maintenance.
The animated bladder in the ad is a gay black diva.
Hes blocked from entering, but he does overhear a man using his voice.
And that man isPete Hornberger.
Kimmy is tracking down her own guest star: Drench Thunderman (played byOITNBs Michael Torpey).
Kimmy decides hes trying to Reverend the whole city, so she wants to take him down.
But since Kimmy doesnt have much experience taking people down, she goes to practice with Titus guy.
When Pete Hornberger Dale Bortz leaves the building, Titus and Kimmy jump him.
Theyve been having him followed for months.
Enraged, Titus meets with executives to get his money … except there is no money.
He signed a waiver after he auditioned for them more than a year ago.
Meanwhile, Kimmy is roughing up Drench Thunderman, whose real name is Ricky Ann Sprinkles.
Kimmy sees that hes telling the truth and goes home to make her own bunker.
And he needs to talk about it.
Oh, yeah, a storms coming.
What Lillian was up to:Trying to stop the construction of Big Naturals Organic Store.
She decides to embrace progress, and Artie.
Best Kimmy 90s throwback: Kimmy explains how Dale Bortz stole Titus voice: Hes an Ursula the seawitch!
Estimated number of pop culture references:5, including a nod to the horse Bianca Jagger rode into Studio 54.
The drug dealer on the street has pens labeled Crack.
Bob Dylan is dead … to me.
Cant show up and get a Nobel Prize?
Mordor Pharma The Second Avenue Stop in Kimmy is the T train instead of the real-life just-opened Q train.
Mini Coopers shrink when they get wet.
Drench Thunderman: Okay, maybe I go a little overboard.Kimmy: A little?
Dalene Rovenstine(Click ahead for episode 8)
EPISODE 8: Kimmy Does a Puzzle!
I am Dionne Heffalumpin Warwick!
You will not eat me!
(Well, sort of.)
(Rudolphs Warwick impression sounds a little like herOprah impression, but theyre both equally delightful.)
Chief among them: eating lots of wet baby corn before performances.
Which is a totally normal thing to do.
When tragedy strikes and Dionne gets violently ill after going down the cruise ship water slide cmon, Dionne!
she asks her beloved Titus to step up in her place.
And it goes really well!
And hes a breakout star!
I was the talk of the midnight buffet, he says, but this time, for good reasons!
And HE ATE HER.
I can still taste the bronze of her earrings, he says sadly.
Except not really, because thats when they all see Dionne Warwick on TV hosting a hurricane telethon.
And Titus isnt a cannibal!
Kimmy starts wondering whether theres more to Titus story, but she doesnt have time to worry about it.
With the hurricane swirling outside, shes decided to make her and Titus apartment into her own bunker.
It isnt until they see live footage of The Ocean Skank on television that Kimmy confronts Titus for lying.
He admits the boat didnt sink something much worse happened.
Which I do not, Titus adds.)
Weve seen Kimmy chew out the Reverend before, but this is something different.
She even declares that shes moving out.
Have a nice life!
You know I dont!
At first, hes thrilled to see her go.
After all, he gets his spare bedroom back.
You make me a better person.
And, to Kimmys utter delight, they seal their friendship with a high-five.
A feel-good moment all around.
Unless youre Dionne Warwick, whos still poisoned by cruise ship hot tub water.
Estimated number of pop culture references:11.
Best cameos:Um, Maya Rudolph as Dionne Warwick, obviously.
Also, John Lutz, a.k.a.
Also also, fake Lea Michele.
Best Titus-ism:I ran like an animal, or some other kind of thing that runs.
A faucet, perhaps.
Dionne Warwick: You know, some people say global warming is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.
But I say, show me the receipts!
Because why would Xi Jinping want to flood my basement and rust my Bowflex?
Devan Coggan(Click ahead for episode 9)
EPISODE 9: Kimmy Goes to Church!
After all, her only real experience with the stuff is the Reverends bonkers teachings about Jeepers and Gosh.
Reluctantly, Titus agrees to take her on Good Friday, and Kimmy is immediately smitten.
They get to sing!
And wear cool bedazzled hats!
And the reverend is a woman!
Women reallycanbe anything, except president or late-night host, Kimmy muses.
Especially terrible is the choirs director, Ruben.
Titus is convinced shes out to get him, even though Kimmy swears hes just being paranoid.
So, they decide to bring her down as only Titus and Kimmy can.
After that night, I never saw 15-year-old Eric Trump again, she says, sadly.
Jacquelines mortified, until she decides she really doesnt give a damn about Deidres opinion.
But before he can warn Kimmy, she confronts the entire congregation as hypocrites.
Youre all full of something… it, Kimmy hisses.
Liars and deceivers and jerkatrons have made a nest here!
Like a family of ducks!
No, not cute ducks.
This is awolves nest.
Estimated number of pop culture references:10.
Best Titus-ism:Youre asking the wrong Cumberbitch.
Also, theres the return of Tituss most evergreen catchphrase: What white nonsense is this?
Best non-Titus-ism:
Jacqueline, after putting on comfortable clothes: I finally get the title of the movieFace/Off!
It works on two levels!
Deidre on Jacqueline: It seems the poor thing isGrey Gardens-ing.
Devan Coggan(Click ahead for episode 10)
EPISODE 10: Kimmy Pulls Off a Heist!
Alas, this isKimmy Schmidt, and things have to break before they mend.
Sorry, Jackie Lynn… A Trojan horse simply doesnt work if your enemies know your plan.
Its clever because its true.
(Just look at the sales for copies of1984these days.)
(The Dallas Piano Lessons, offers Junior.)
She shoots, she scores, and she wins.
Takethat, Washington Gun-Takers!
I know, I know, its shameful.
Mob films arent my forte!
Anyway, look, its Ray Liotta, everybody!
And Ray Liotta, whose characters named Paulie (possibly afterGoodfellas?
), isnot happy.
Naturally, Titus considers this an affront to the World of Titus, so he enlists Kimmys help.
The heist itself is rather simple.
No more paying to use the restroom!
But Kimmys tell-tale heart keeps beating, and shes had enough.
Kimmy responds (no, really, turn your subtitles on).
Humiliated, Titus says nothing as Kimmy tries to prove hes doing just great.
Mikey doesnt buy it fully, but he sympathizes and wishes Titus a goodbye.
Its a bittersweet ending of a relatively self-contained episode ofKimmy Schmidt.
(Lillian was nowhere to be found.)
Best Titus-ism:Gum is a lie you tell your stomach.
So true, T.A.
Everyone, including Perry, Xan, and Professor Leonora Van Arsdale-Yates (hi, Rachel Dratch!
), who invites Kimmy to her and her partner Dianne Delamonte-Shapiros (hi again, Rachel Dratch!)
Thankfully for her, Perrys there, and hes eager to reconcile with Kimmy.
Shes thrilled, and the two agree to help each other fit in at the soiree.
and reveals that he has a 1-year-old daughter named Linda.
it’s possible for you to practically hear the record-scratch in Tituss head as this sinks in.
The guy hes seeing has a daughter, and shes named…Linda?
Naturally, Titus freaks out and asks Kimmy for help.
and only looking for a dumb excuse to bail on dating a guy like Reuben.
They confirm the fact that Linda is indeed a weird name for a baby.
In fact, all of these five Lindas gathered from a random companys HR department werentbornLindas.
Titus is growing, he boasts.
Kimmy grows angry and leaves, as Perry follows.
But Kimmys too infuriated at the fact that her history is all that matters, and storms off anyway.
Shes still fuming when Jacqueline calls.
After flipping through the pamphlet Nurse Stacey (Becky Ann Baker!)
After all, Mimi nearly died after Jacqueline took care of her, but Stacey just laughs.
And he looks… ohwow.
He looks no disrespect to David Cross!
extremely handsome, now that hes got the face of Billy Magnussen, a.k.a.
Kato Kaelin inAmerican Crime Storyand Rapunzels prince inInto the Woods.
Kimmy takes a little longer to getherhappy ending in this episode.
), have videos like Drunk Lady at White Castle online.
In other words: Everyones mortified about something.
Get over it, Kimmy!
Andrea even admits shes not exactly the right candidate to help Kimmy out.
Oh, and shes also got her boyfriends wife, Elsa, to deal with.
Instead of continuing to worry about the past, why not do something about the present?
(Teens arent all that into rap versions of lessons about philosophy, it turns out.
), has become the first result on her Google search.
Kimmy, running for POTUS?
Come back, Laura Dern!
Best Titus-ism:When Tilda Swinton does it, its art.
Titus is jealous of the fact that he cant get bored and lie down at the Frick.
What the frick is up with that, am I right?
Her professor illustrated this theory using the Trolley problem.
Yet again, Kimmys altruism is causing a conflict.
He reminds her that John Stuart Mill says taking sufficient enjoyment in life is actually necessary to act morally.
And thats exactly what Kimmy needs to hear.
However, Russ is far more interested in enjoying life to his fullest now that hes hot.
(Did the word lappy make anyone else cringe?)
This is all Russ ever wanted, and hes ready to become a Snyder again.
Realizing they want two different things, Jacqueline ends things.
First, her family fled Europe ages ago.
The episode ends with Lillian, Artie, Kimmy, and Titus hugging.
Estimated number of pop culture references:7.
Best cameo:Kenan Thompson as Roland Peacock, because Andy Cohen didnt do much for me.
Best Titus-ism: Imagine youre biting into a stick of butter and then its just cheese.
Titus, explaining how to cry on cue.
(Thatll make sense in a few paragraphs).
Kimmy studies, but apparently its not enough because she ends up causing an explosion that rattles her professor.
As a result, the dean has no other option but to expel her.
This sort of counts as a win?
And Kimmy being Kimmy chooses option C and directs the bus to hit her, saving everyone.
Basically, trying to help Laura Derns character by not divorcing the Reverend ends ups screwing Kimmy over.
Naturally, this leaves Kimmy rather disheartened.
The world is a Vidalia onion.
Its a lie, it stinks, and it makes you cry.
So, Lillian heads to Columbia, hammer in hand, to talk to the dean.
This totally feels like the perfect job for Kimmy.
Jacqueline also finds her place in the world in the season finale.
stalking him and waiting for the right time to jump back into his life.
Its a nice character moment that conveys how far Titus has come this season.
No more games or avoidance tactics.
With that,Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidts third season ends with the characters finally putting it together.
I cant wait to see where it goes next season.
