The celebrity contestants get their first assignment.
People said 2016 was like living in the golden age of television.
People said we had never seen such a plethora of incredible options at our disposal.
People called it Peak TV and said the quality of offerings had never been better.
And they were all wrong.
Flourishes such as Rod Blagojevich attempting to use a laptop.
Curiosities including, but not limited to, Gary Busey magically transforming into a mechanical dog.
Those are the true hallmarks ofCelebrity Apprentice.
Well, I am happy to report our long national nightmare is finally over.Celebrity Apprenticeis back!
Now, you may have noticed a few teensy-weensy changes.
Although you probablydidntnotice at all because they were so minor.
First off, the show has been designated a Trump-free zone.
Oh, it also has moved from New York to Los Angeles.
And the limo has been replaced by a choppa.
And tasks are now crammed into one hour instead of drawn out magnificently over two.
You know, just tiny stuff like that.
A travesty of epic proportions.
(Disclaimer: I have no idea what I am saying.)
Dont think for a second I am taking the show to task for this.
Creating a fake company is the mostCelebrity Apprenticething producers could have done and I applaud them for it.
Who the hell is Chael Sonnen?
This year that person is one and the same, and that persons name is Chael Sonnen.
I only know this because I just Googled the cast to see what his name was.
Then I Googled the dude himself.
I guess he was an MMA fighter.
So, a typical class act for this show.
Then again its not like hekilledsomeone while driving drunk.
No, that would be Vince Neil, who is also part of the cast.
Not so any longer!
So, for better or for worse, that ones on me.
As for the rest of the group, its pretty standard stuff.
Whats in a name?
Unfortunately, no such fireworks tonight.
Or striving for boredom.
One of the two.
), and Game Changers (wait, isnt thatSurvivor?)
So, clearly the guys were working at a major disadvantage here.
Judge for yourself below.
What George should have been more concerned about were the double entendres his teammates kept dropping during their presentation.
Carnies big mistake
Carnie Wilson played this game like a clueless rookie, making the biggestCelebrity Apprenticemistake possible.
The show wants to keep around the biggest names and the biggest personalities for as long as possible.
How else to explain seven people SEVEN!
being cut loose before Gary Busey in season 4?
Or eight people EIGHT!
being fired before Busey when he came back in season 6?
That is all she had to do, and she would have lived to play another day.
In essence, she pulled a Gene Simmons.
No way Trump was going to fire him.
I honestly dont think anything in the long, proud history of the show has ever pained Trump more.
That all happened because Gene was being stubborn.
Here, Carnie was just being stupid.
She had an easy out but didnt realize the true rules of the game.
And the rules are pretty much the same even if the person enforcing them is different.
Speaking of which, its finally time to weigh in on the new Hostmaster General.
NEXT: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger do?
Well, after watching two Boardrooms, Istillhave no clue what it is!
(Thats only half true.
(The answer was a resounding YES!)
So, I thought terminated was out as his signature line.
Now, get to da choppa.
And then he lit up a big stogie.
Okay, thats pretty funny.
He went next level by combining terminated with da choppa and the cigar.
However, at the second Boardroom firing of Carnie, he went a different route with Youre terminated.
Hasta la vista, baby!
And no cigar this time!
See, now Im confused.
Is he just going to start reciting different lines after the terminated bit each week?
And while you may get a few good ones next weeks odds-on favorite: Youre terminated.
And you WONT be back!
what happens if the new Schwarzenegger iteration is successful?
By season 3, hes going to be resorting to using nonsensical lines like Youre terminated.
And you should not drink and bake.
(Im looking at you, Ricky Williams!)
Why didnt he just stick to da choppa line?
After all, they are going to a helicopter, which is a brilliant switch from the waiting limo.
And where was the cigar for the second firing?
Light it up, dude!
So long as he starts quotingLast Action Heroat some point, Im good.
(By the way, you know Matt Iseman totally has aLast Action Heroposter on his wall.)
So, hes already in good shape as far as that goes.
How was Schwarzenegger otherwise?
A little stiff at first, it seemed.
But I still loved it.
More of that, hey.
Nonsensical rambling is a hallmark of every greatCelebrity Apprentice.
But he needs to go off book a bit more.
It was a little painful when he marched into the Boardroom after task no.
That is paraphrasing a line fromConan the Barbarian(Crush your enemies.
See them driven before you.
Hear the lamentations of their women.)
but all the contestants just looked extremely confused.
And if you do not listen, THEN TO HELL WITH YOU!
but methinks a little more spontaneity could go a long way here.
And perhaps thatwillcome as the Governator gets more comfortable in his new role.
But what didyouthink about the job Arnold did as the new host?
Which contestants are you loving and loathing?
And what the hell do you think actually happens at the mysterious Schwarzenegger Inc.?
