Drag queens and Twitter wars and Carrot Top, oh my!
Look, Im not exactly what you would call a manly man.
I went to a college named after a woman and comprised of 70% females.
Credit: Luis Trinh/NBC
The next punch I throw will be my first.
The one time I attempted to ride a motorcycle I drove it into a brick wall.
(True story.)
But heres the thing.
Because shes my wife.
And, to reiterate, its a fake advertising campaign.
Which is a long way of saying I am not David Charvet.
I think thats plainly clear, seeing as how I did not star onBaywatchandMelrose Place.
Nor did I have designs on becoming a French pop star.
What are you doing?
If she did ask you do to that,you do it!
But no, thats not what she asked.
All Brooke requested was her husband sitbehind herfor a photo on a Kawasaki motorcycle.
Cause Im not having Arnold look at me like Im some sort of wimp.
Listen, I am the master of lame excuses.
The last thing I am trying to do here is extol my virtues as a husband.
But the next minute my spouse watches this show will be the first, so that cant be it.
Youre worried Arnold will think you are some sort of wimp?
Just because you are not the one driving the motorcycle?
What year is this?
Of course I would.
And so would anybody!
Again, dude, your wife!
In other words, WHO CARES?!
Let me answer that for you.
Ill tell you who cares: nobody.
(Iwillsay it was a bit cute the way David Charvet thought Arnold even would know who he was.
Im not convinced Arnold even knows who some of the actualcontestantsare at this point.)
Back in 2009, he appeared on some ABC thing calledSuperstarsthat paired celebrities and athletes in competitions.
None other than currentCelebrity Apprenticecontestant Lisa Leslie.
But you would be wrong.
Okay, enough marriage counseling from me.
Lets dip into the other acts of insanity and inanity from this weeksCelebrity Apprentice.
Hey, who doesnt?
He also wanted to go nude!
Push your bits under like a drag queen, Boy George instructed when Carson complained of being uncomfortable.
Would Schwarzenegger be comfortable?
How would David Charvet feel about this?!?
Thats whatIwant to know!
(He repeated this later in the boardroom, noting that Carsons idea was to do something inclusive.
We now live in an inclusive society where no one is left out.
Hell yeah, BG!
Now lets just hope those words which were spoken last year well before the election still hold true.)
Plus, Carson nailed the presentation.
Not a lot of huge characters or huge ideas coming out of that squad.
But that does not mean there was no reason to watch it.
Because, as you know, the camera adds 10 pounds in certain places.
Wow, theres a sentence I never thought Id pop in.
But that wasnt even the best part.
The best part was the Governator once again comparingCelebrity Apprenticetasks to bodybuilding.
This time it was about going that extra mile for a win.
At least I think it was.
Who has one weak point?
I take it all back!
David Charvet was right!
Arnold Schwarzenegger probablywaschecking out his calves!
And he probablywouldjudge him for being on the back of the bike!
Anyway, Kyle was fired.
One Housewife down, one to go.
Finally, a good ol fashioned fundraising challenge!
Vince and Ricky became Project Managers because they bragged about how much money they could bring in.
One of them delivered on that promise, the other did not.
A sampling for your perusal …
I think you catch the drift by now.
That stuff is gold.
The problem is, it needs to be on the actual show!
Which is why it was such a mistake to fire Lovitz later.
Sure, the guy only raised $500, a laughable amount that shocked even Schwarzenegger.
You cannot go and make calls and get within $500?
Are you kidding me?
That is a pathetic amount.
But you know what?
Because whether it is Lovitz sulking or storming out of rooms, at least he gave us some conflict.
And his whole bit of running away from da choppa at the end was pretty funny.
You know what that was?
(Its an oldSNLbit.
Look it up.)
The producers and Arnold messed up here and should have fired Ricky instead.
Sure, Ricky brought in23,700 percentmore money than Jon on this task, but so what?
), then they have to know Lovitz adds more unintentional entertainment value than the former Heisman Trophy winner.
In that sense, Lovitzs firing was a more surprising decision than one would think.
In other words, what I am saying is the show completely made sense for once.
Which makes no sense.
If youve watchedCelebrity Apprenticefor a long time, you know exactly what Im talking about.
If you havent, well, congratulations for having more of a life than I do.
Not by a long shot.
Nor did I forget about the Hooters girls who also showed up with 10K for their favorite heavy-metal frontman.
No, it was Carrot Top.
Carrot Top, ladies and gentlemen!
Americas leading prop comic for more than 20 years and counting!
Whats in that wacky trunk sitting on the stage?
So nice to see Carrot Top again!
And, frankly, Im kinda shocked he has never been aCelebrity Apprenticecontestant himself.
Perhaps they could sign him up for a season with Kato Kealin, Shadoe Stevens, and Yahoo Serious.
(They really should cede full casting power over to me at this point.)
Besides, I have to go consult Weedmaps to see where my man Ricky Williams is hanging out.
Until next week: Cluck, cluck … splash!
