Weve reached peak pageant drama, rose lovers!
First of all, my names Hannah, she drawls, her face reddening with rage.
Oh gurl, kindly.
Credit: ABC
Could someone c’mon get Hannah G. a map?
There you go, hon.
The Accent Table of Doom is at the door, ladies!
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The first one-on-one date in Singapore goes to… Tayshia!
Looks like Im not the only one whos a wee bit surprised.
Buck up, toots.
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Your moment will come.
But our Bachelor is nothing if not a gentleman, and so he agrees to go first.
He sounded like a little girl!
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wails Tayshia, more afraid than ever.
Now strip down to your swimmies and make out in the ocean, you crazy kids.
Its, like, the toughest thing Ive gone through, she says.
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Give her that date rose, Colton!
Okay, shrugs Caelynn, annoyed.
Your opinion in your opinion… Ive moved on.
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Im gonna act how I would act if it were just me and him, notes Demi.
Demi is trying to grab him every second, sighs Courtney.
Its frustrating because Ive had very little time with him.
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This, rose lovers, is whats known asforeshadowing.
But before we get to the Courtney-Demi drama, its time to watch something that really sucks.
Yep, Colton has brought his harem to the leech therapy house.
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Even though Caelynn isnt on the date, she is all Hannah B. can think about.
Say what you will about Alabama Hannah, but that is commitment, yall.
I just want to, like, see to it that were okay, she says tremulously.
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Today, I feel like I got my Hannah back, says Colton.
Im sorry if at any point you thought I was being hard on you.
Demi, for one, is tired of hearing her housemate complain.
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Courtney has been pissed off for weeks, she sniffs.
Her approach seems pretty lazy in my opinion because she hasnt done anything to get her time with him.
But who cares about Courtney when Demi is about to reveal her big family news to Colton?
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Courtneys all,Nah, Id rather sit here and feel sorry for myself.
Girl, havent you ever seen this show?
Eventually Courtney goes to find Colton, but instead, she discovers Demi alone.
How old are you again?
she asks Demi in her breathy-baby voice.
I just feel like your actions and behaviors just kind of solidify a maturity level.
But Demi gets the ultimate revenge on her rival: Colton gives her the date rose!
Its all too much for Courtney to bear, and she dashes off to the bathroom to cry.
And wouldnt you know it, Caelynn is the lucky winner of this seasonsPretty Womandate!
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Cassie, though, is quite honestly driven to tears over Caelynns good fortune and one-on-one time with Colton.
(These women keep using the word dating.
I do not think it means what they think it means.)
Still, Cassie is justsohappy for Caelynn.
But tonight isnt just about flirting and making out Caelynn has something serious to discuss with Colton.
It screws up every ounce of you, Caelynn continues.
I couldnt leave my house it was so, so bad.
(Side note: TheNational Sexual Assault Hotlineis 1-800-656-4673.)
Looking into her eyes and just knowing the pain associated with [her abuse].
Its an incredibly heavy moment, punctuated by fraught silences and sadness.
Oh, and Caelynn gets the date rose, becauseduh.
Has this woman never been a hotel before?No onemakes their own bed in a hotel.
Oh God, pet peeve alert:
Get your shoes off the bed, you two!
Were you raised in a barn??
Hannah G. and Colton dont just cuddle they practically start dry-humping in their fancy dress clothes.
Hold up whats going on here?
Then they hug, and as Hannah puts it, World War III was averted.
Then where are we going to get our bitchfest fix?
Oh, thats right, Courtney and Demi still hate each other with a white-hot passion.
Im feeling better and a lot more optimistic, says Courtney.
I hope that people that dont deserve to be here eventually arent here anymore.
Oh girl, now it ison.
Demi heads right for Colton.
Courtney she is, like, the cancer of the house, Demi reports with a smile.
Then she attempts to cover the lower half of Coltons face with her lip gloss.
Coltons all,I hear you, but quick question: Are you, like, metastasizing right now?
Now it is on like Donkey Kong.
She isnt here for you, Courtney snaps.
Poor Colton doesnt know what to do at this point is Courtney the cancer?
Is Demi the cancer?
Should he just pretend to have cancer and fly back to the States before the producers notice hes gone?
Head back to the group, Courtney the Bachelor needs some time to think.
The ladies are shocked to hear that Demi used the c-word to describe Courtney.
Thank the heavens above Harrison is here toclink clinkus into the long-awaited end of this episode.
(But not before Demi parades her date rose in Courtneys face, just for good measure.)
Youll be missed, Courtney.
What a week, rose lovers!
Are you surprised Hannah B. and Caelynn got over their beef (and themselves)?
Why is Courtney her own worst enemy?
And Onyeka cant be the only one who puked up that nasty lunch, right?
Post your thoughts now!
The Bachelorairs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
