Still getting used to this computer thingy.
Do I just keep punching these keys with my fingers like some trained monkey?
How can I possibly figure any of this out?
Credit: Robert Voets/CBS
Im a Gen Xer!
But these young whippersnappers with their Facebooks and their Tweeter and their Snapschat seem to be from another planet.
And as Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer famously opined, their world scares and confuses me.
What in the name of Kurt Cobain is an aging hipster to do?!
WatchSurvivor, I guess.
Yes,Survivoris back!
See ya next season!
you might go see what Murtaugh and Riggs are arguing about over on FoxsLethal Weapon.
Or maybe I should fax it in?
the USFL, Shasta McNasty, and O-Town.)
This will be the battleground for a Survivor culture war!
Those arent actually my words, mind you, but Jeff Probsts as he introduces the new season.
I suppose I should have put them in quotes.
(Still figuring out this keyboard thing.
Gen Xer, you know.)
And which player will win the coveted First Quote of the Season award?
Like Colt 45, it works every time.
That seems awfully generous.
Arent those Baby Boomers?
Older contestants often make for the most interesting contestants, so I say bring em on.
You had to go through without an iPod and an app for this and an app for that.
You actually had to walk to the store to get milk.
In three feet of snow!
While carrying your sick mother on your back!
And the milk cost a nickel because thats how much things cost before the world became an ungodly place!
Hey, has anyone seen my heartburn medicine?
Why, just ask CeCe, who speaks next and informs the Millennials that They dont work for anything.
Lets hope this doesnt prove to be a repeat of that misstep.
(Give me a moment to get the visions of Medallion of Powers out of my head.)
Ah, but there is a wrinkle.
There are two stations for each team, where they must choose between two items to take.
Regular readers know I LOVE whenever choices are offered in the game.
It can lead to disagreements, second-guessing, regret…you know, the good stuff.
We will learn later she has just come into possession of a Legacy advantage.
Just one hitch: She has to last 35 more days in the game to get it.
If she makes it that far, she will get some sort of mystery advantage in the game.
Over at the Gen X beach, Rachel is talking.
And not in a social, happy-go-lucky way, but in a can-you-imagine-living-with-me-for-39-days way.
Not a good start for her.
Speaking of bad starts, David is busy telling us how he doesnt like sleeping outside.
Wait, a nerdy TV writer who is uncomfortable out in the elements?
Doesnt sound like anyone I know.
Hell later compound the problem by getting busted searching for the idol himself.
An inauspicious debut, to be sure.
NEXT: Another bro-down throwdown?
That may be one of my favoriteSurvivorquotes ever.
I can tell hes just a bro.
I can tell hes just a bro.
Of course you’re able to.
And of course he is.
Of course you do.
And of course she is.
(Just to reiterate: Her nickname is Figgy.
And yes, I realize a guy named Dalton is in no position to comment on such matters.)
THIS JUST IN: Taylor also likes Michelle because I am a sucker for pretty girls.
But not everyone on the tribe is a bro.
Im an 80-year-old man at heart.
THIS ALSO JUST IN: Zeke is the best.
Love that guy already.
Hold on, he sounds like a Gen Xer!
And can they all wear the same shirt as Zeke?
Of course you do.
How could you forget?
Her name is Figgy!
Anyway, shes telling us how shes used to being the center of attention (MILLENNIAL!!!)
and is really flirty and good at manipulating men.
(Because why on Earth would you ever select an alliance partner on any criteria BUT hotness?)
Jay says the Tri-Force is invincible, but Aubry…
I mean, Hannah, has different ideas.
Hey, it could have been worse!
(#SevereGastrointestinalDistress)
Dont worry, Hannah.
It actuallyisabout to get worse.
That nights rain was just an appetizer.
Which is why something very odd is happening as both tribes receive tarps with their tree mail.
Nope, total free-tarp situation.
Okay, first things first.
Are you kidding me?Survivorloves to feature shots of people shivering and suffering out in the elements.
And we love to watch it.
Their pain is our gain.
That doesnt mean we want to watch someone, you know, die.
Who knows how destructive the cyclone ended up being, but do you really want to take that chance?
Same thing, right?)
That was no joke.
As a producer, you cannot knowingly and purposefully put human beings in danger like that for entertainment.
They did the right thing here.
So where exactly did the contestants go?
Which is why he just made himself a target.
Forget about the Tri-Force, because its early-bird-special-loving Zeke who makes the fire for the tribe.
To all of this I say YES, YES, YES!
But how soon will the misfits need to mobilize?
Lets head to the seasons first immunity challenge to find out.
A blue-hat wearing (BOO!)
As for the challenge, I love it.
The teams will have to race under an obstacle and retrieve a war club.
Then they must race through a rope tunnel or use a shortcut to make it much easier.
Then they carry a crate and use the pieces inside to finish a puzzle.
So what to do?
Take the shortcuts or take the smaller puzzle?
For me, its a no-brainer.
Its just window dressing, because its all about the puzzle.
Watching it live, the puzzle can go on forever before its solved.
Thats simply playing the percentages.
Suffice it to say, these tribes chose not to play the percentages.
Did the Millennials ultimately win because their puzzle had 10 fewer pieces?
Remember: Its all about the puzzle.
NEXT: And the first to be voted out…
The tribe could see it going either way.
Rachel apologizes at Tribal Council for coming on too strong, but its too little, too late.
The damage is done.
And with that, season 33 is officially underway, people.
Which means I now need to lock in my episode 1 pick to win it all.
But I just cant seem to seal the deal.
As for Ken Hoang…
But can she be stealth enough?
And what are her social skills like?
Not saying theyre bad, but we havent seen enough to know.
She may end up leading an alliance, which could also make her more of a target.
So Ill go ahead with an underdog pick of Hannah and hope for the best.
But before we sign off, dont forget about the bevy of goodies we have for you each week.
Like an exclusive deleted scene at the bottom of the recap.
And thefull opening credits you did not see on TV.
And myweekly Q&A with host Jeff Probst.
And my weekly exit interviews with the ousted contestants.
But now its your turn.
What did you think of the premiere?
Whom are you loving and loathing?
And who is your pick to win it all?
Weigh in on the message boards below and Ill be back next week with another scoop of the crispy!
