(Normal work problems, right?)
Oh, and she just might be falling for the wrong guy.
He wasnt dangerous to her, she knew that.
That realization startled her.
It startled her a lot.
And when she was startled, she had ingrained reactions that manifested without her conscious approval.
She ducked under his arm, spinning free.
Her hands were automatically at her waist, looking for the belt she wasnt wearing.
She straightened up and dropped her hands, her face burning.
You, um, caught me off guard.
Daniels horror shifted into disbelief.
I didnt think I was moving that fast, but maybe I should reevaluate.
I just…Im sorry, whatwasthat?
A shade of impatience crossed his expression.
Well, I was about to kiss you.
He shook his head and turned to lean back against the island.
What didyouthink was going on here?
With the dinner date?
And the sad little candle?
He gestured to the table.
He walked toward her then, and she forced herself not to back away.
Confusion aside, she knew her wild overreaction had been rude.
She didnt want to hurt his feelings.
Even if he was a crazy person.
Surelyyouve been aware of how often I just…touch you.
On the planet I come from, that kind of thing signifies romantic interest.
He leaned toward her again, his eyes narrowed.
just tell me, what does it mean on yours?
She took a deep breath.
Daniel, what youre processing now is a kind of sensory deprivation reaction, she explained.
His expression was totally flummoxed.
Youre doing remarkably well.
Many people would have had a complete nervous breakdown by this point.
He regained his composure as she explained, but he didnt seem enlightened or reassured by her diagnosis.
His eyebrows lowered and his lips tucked in at the corners like he was annoyed.
he quoted back at her.
Hesoundedangry, but he was smiling and he was moving closer while he spoke.
So if your only argument is anecdotal…
Thats not my only argument, she began slowly, unwillingly.
These werent the easiest words to say.
I may have been…absorbed by my work, but I wasnt totally oblivious.
And I understand that reaction.
I dont disagree with itfear, loathing, an eagerness to assert physical dominance.
I am the bogeyman in a very dark and scary world.
I frighten people who arent afraid of anything else, not even death.
I am the monster they see in their nightmares.
It was a version of herself shed come to accept, but not without some pain.
When she needed to, she could make use of her ability to appear delicate and feminine.
It was no different from her ability to look like a boy.
But even those outsiders who saw her as a female didnt look at her with…desire.
She wasnt that girl, and that was okay.
Shed been born with her own gifts, and you didnt get everything.
He waited patiently while she spoke, his expression neutral.
She didnt think he was reacting to her words strongly enough.
Do you understand what Im saying?
I am intrinsically incompatible with being an object of romantic interest.
I just dont agree.
I dont understand how you of all people can disagree.
First, but not entirely to the point, Im not afraid of you.
Her lips screwed into a half-pursed frown.
He was right…but that wasnt really the issue.
Second, still tangential, I think youve been spending all your time with the wrong kind of man.
A hazard of your particular work, Id imagine.
But what is the main point youre dancing around?
He got into her personal space again.
She held her ground.
And how can you be sure what youre feeling?
Youre in the middle of the most traumatic experience of your life.
Youve just lost your whole world.
This is pretty basic Stockholm syndrome stuff, Daniel.
Im the only human female in your lifethere arent any other options.
Think about it rationally; think about how inappropriate the timing is.
You cant trust feelings born in the midst of severe physical and mental anguish.
I might consider that, except for one thing.
I wanted you before you were the only human female in my life.
This threw her, and he took advantage, placing both his hands lightly on her shoulders.
The warmth from his palms made her realize that shed been cold without recognizing it.
Remember when I told you that Id never asked a woman out on a train before?
That was kind of an understatement.
She shook her head.
Daniel, I roofied you.
You were high on a chemical compound with manifestations similar to Ecstasy.
Not then, I wasnt.
I felt the difference before and after you shocked me.
That was when things got confusing.
And before the drug, I was already in neck-deep.
She had no answer.
His physical proximity was becoming disorienting.
He still held her loosely, bending in slightly so that his face was closer to hers.
It wasnt until this moment that she began to really consider his words.
Shed written off everything hed said and done since the kidnapping as aftershocks from the trauma.
Shed analyzed him like a subject, always separating herself from the equation.
Because none of it wasabouther.
And all of it was within normal parameters for what hed been through.
Wonder and fascination mixed with something electric as he gazed at her face…her battered, swollen face.
For the first time, she felt mortified about her mangled appearance for an entirely vain reason.
Her hands had been hanging limply at her sides.
Now she raised one and covered as much as she could, hiding like a child.
Ive put some thought into this, he said, and she could hear the smile in his voice.
I know what Im saying.
She just shook her head.
Of course, all of that is moot if you dont feel a similar way.
Ive been a little overconfident tonight.
Given that we havent been speaking the same language at all, have we?
Ive been misreading you.
He paused again like he was waiting for an answer, but she had no idea what to say.
What do you see when you look at me?
What kind of a question was that?
There were too many answers.
I dont know how to respond to that.
His eyes narrowed for a moment, considering.
She wished he would take a step back so that she could think more clearly.
Then he seemed to brace himself, squaring his shoulders for some kind of blow.
Might as well get everything out in the open.
Answer this instead: Whats the very worst thing you see when you look at me?
The honest answer popped out before she could think it through.
She saw how harshly the word landed.
Now he gave her the space shed just wished for, and she regretted it.
Why was the room so cold?
He nodded to himself as he backed away.
Thats fair, thats completely fair.
Im an idiot, clearly.
I cant forget Ive put you in danger.
Also, the fact that
No!
she took a hesitant step toward him, anxious to be clear.
Thats not what I meant.
You dont have to be kind.
I know Im useless in all this.
He gestured vaguely toward the door, toward the world outside that was trying to kill them both.
Being a normal person is not a bad thing.
Youll learn all the rest.
I was talking about…leverage.
She couldnt help herselfhis expression was just so openly devastated.
It made her feel better when the wordleveragereplaced the pain in his eyes with confusion.
She hurried to explain.
Theyve never had anything on me.
Barnaby was my only family.
There was no one I cared about.
Lonely, yes, but I was also free.
It was only myself I had to keep alive.
She watched him think through the words, trying to sort out her meaning.
She fumbled for a concrete example.
It was so true it frightened her.
She didnt understand why it was true, but that didnt change the fact.
His eyes widened and seemed to freeze that way.
And theyd win, you know, she said apologetically.
Theyd kill us both.
But that doesnt mean I wouldnt have to try.
Daniel was waiting for more.
She spread her hands helplessly.
She didnt know what else to say.
He smiled a little.
Well,liabilitydoesnt seem such an awful word as it did before.
It does to me.
You know if they came for you, I would do what I could to stand in their way.
So youre a liability for me too.
I wouldnt want you to do that.
Because wed both end up dead.
Yes, we would!
If they come for me, yourun.
Daniel
Let me tell you what else I see when I look at you.
Her shoulders hunched automatically.
Tell me the worst thing you see.
He sighed, then reached out to gently lay his fingertips along her cheekbone.
They break my heart.
But, in a really twisted and wrong way, Im sort of grateful for them.
How shameful is that?
Because of your injuries, you needed help.
You stayed with me.
His expression when he said the last four words was very unsettling.
Or maybe it was his fingers lingering on her skin.
Now can I tell you what else I see?
She stared at him warily.
I see a woman who is more…realthan any other woman Ive ever met.
You make every other person Ive known seem insubstantial, somehow incomplete.
Like shadows and illusions.
But she was never asthereto me as you are.
Its like the difference between…betweenreadingabout gravity and then falling for the first time.
They stared at each other for what felt like hours but could have been minutes or even seconds.
This is entirely irrational on every level, she whispered.
Dont kill me, hey?
She might have nodded.
He put his other hand on her faceso softly that despite her bruises there was no hint of pain.
It was just live current, like the way a plasma globe must feel from the inside.
She couldnt think how the words were supposed to string together.
Excerpted from the book THE CHEMIST by Stephenie Meyer.
Copyright 2016 by Stephenie Meyer.
Reprinted with permission of Little, Brown and Company.
