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Excerpt fromAminas Voiceby Hena Khan
1
Something sharp pokes me in the rib.
You should totally sign up for a solo, Soojin whispers from the seat behind me in music class.
I shake my head.
The mere thought of singing in front of a crowd makes my stomach twist into knots.
But youre such a good singer, Soojin insists.
I pause, enjoying the praise for a second.
Every Tuesday we argue about the best contestant onThe Voiceand who deserves to advance to the next round.
I shake my head again.
Come on, Amina.
Soojin is a little louder now.
Girls, is that chatter about you volunteering?
Ms. Holly stares at us from the front of the classroom with her eyebrows raised.
Its Soojins pencil in my side again.
Is that a yes, Amina?
Should I sign you up for a solo for the concert?
How about one of the Motown pieces from the 1970s?
I sink lower into my chair as everyone stares at me and stumble over my words.
Um, no, thank you.
Ill just stay in the chorus, I finally manage to mutter.
Julie always wants the spotlight and tends to sing extremely loudly.
Its as if she thinks volume makes up for her lack of pitch.
I always wonder how the math class next door gets any work done whenever Julie starts belting.
But I still wish I had even half the guts she does.
Remember, weve only got two months to prepare for the Winter Choral Concert.
This is your big chance to finally show everyone what youve been hiding.
Im serious, Soojin says.
Its time to forget about John Hancock.
There was this endless moment when the world grew still and waited for me to speak.
But I couldnt open my mouth.
The audience laughed and the show went on while I burned with humiliation.
I can still hear Luke and his friend jeering at me from the side of the stage.
That was forever ago!
Were in sixth grade now.
you’re gonna wanna get over it.
I dont let her see how much I agree with her and how badly I want the spot.
Anyway, do you think I look like a Heidi?
Not really, I finally say after swallowing.
Do I look like a Jessica?
Soojin picks carrots out of an overstuffed sandwich wrapped in white deli paper.
What are you talking about?
Soojin sits back and crosses her arms.
Shes hardly reassembled her sandwich and its already half gone.
No one I know eats as fast as Soojin.
Its one of the many ways we are opposites.
I cant ever finish my lunch, no matter how hard I try.
Itotallyfeel like a Melanie, and I love that name.
Hi, Im Melanie.
Whats wrong with you?
Are you feeling okay?
Soojin pretends to pout.
Just tell me, whodoyou think I look like?
Soo-jin, I say slowly.
I put the other half of my sand- wich back into my bag and pull mini pretzels out.
You look exactly like a Soojin.
It seems like Im getting that sigh more and more latelyever since the start of middle school.
Thats because youve always known me as Soojin, Amina.
Yeah, thats my point.
I hear a familiar voice behind me and turn around.
Nothing, I say.
What are you guys talking about?
I wait for Soojin to answer, expecting her to say something to send Emily scurrying.
But Soojin just says, Im thinking of new names for myself.
Emily starts a stream of questions.
And as much as I want Emily to leave, I want to hear the answers.
Its not weird at all, actually.
My family and I are becoming citizens soon, and Im going to change my name.
So that means youre not evenAmerican?
There is no way I heard Soojin right.
Soojin smooths her hair, sips some fizzy juice, and takes a deep breath.
We moved from Korea when I was four, and we arent American citizens yet.
But we are about to be, and Im going to change my name.
I just havent picked one yet.
Oh, I have the perfect name for you, Emily volunteers.
She plops down her tray on the table and smiles like she is about to spill a juicy secret.
Fiona, she says.
As in the green ogre girl from theShrekmovies?
Fiona, as in my uncles Scottish girlfriend.
I flash Soojin a look, but she doesnt notice.
Instead, she actually seems to be pondering the name as if its a possibility.
And then Emily suddenly starts to shove herself into the space next to me.
I dont move at first.
Then I lean across the table and stare hard at Soojin.
Why is Emily sitting with us?
Mama would say Emily was Julies chamchee,which means spoon in Urdu.
That doesnt make a lot of sense, except that it also means suck-up.
And by everyone else, I mean mostly Soojin and me.
Fi-oh-na, Soojin repeats.
Thats kind of nice.
Do you like it?
NotumI dont know, I stammer.
Do youseriouslythink she looks like a Fiona?
She can look like anybody she wants, cant she?
Emily turns back to Soojin.
My face grows hot.
Dont you like being Soojin?
Youve been Soojin your whole life.
Arent you used to it?
That is, until Olayinka came along in fifth grade.
Its always been one of our things.
Soojin lets out her sigh again.
And this time it feels like I deserve it, even though I dont know why.
But she was wrong.
The neighbor with the creepy cat still calls me Amelia after living next door for five years.
And my last name?
I could barely pronounce Khokar myself until I was at least eight.
Soojin is the only one at school who gets it.
I dont even have to look at her to know shes rolling her eyes.
But now all of a sudden Soojin wants to be a Fiona or a Heidi?
Does it have something to do with being in middle school?
What other names do you like?
Shes so interested in the conversation that she hasnt touched the limp grilled cheese sandwich on her tray yet.
I lean back and chew my pretzels while Soojin repeats her other choices to Emily.
I like Melanie, too, Emily says.
As I watch them chat, the lunchroom starts to feel like someones cranked up the heat.
My palms get sweaty, and I feel super thirsty, and not just from the pretzels.
She doesnt seem to even notice that Emily is missing.
Soojins a pretty name too, I say in as normal a voice as I can.
And Im not just saying it because Im used to it.
It doesnt seem like Soojin wants to hear that.
You know, a lot of Korean people have two names, a Korean one and an English one.
But you didnt have another name before.
So why do you want one now?
I always wished I had a different name.
Besides, my whole family is picking new ones.
Everyone is Auntie and Uncle or Mr. and Mrs.
But Soojin taking on a new name just doesnt seem right.
Can I still call you Soojin?
I ask after swallowing hard to reset the lump that has formed in my throat.
It would be messed up if my own best friend didnt do it.
Soojin peers into my face expectantly.
You will, right?
I will, I promise, although I cross my toes inside my shoes.
I decide I will call her Soojin for as long as possible.
