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(And bid her favorite hometown restaurant goodbye.)

Hook up with her crush, Jake Zavala-Kim.

Kill-All-Happies-High-Res-Final-Cover[1]

Credit: Disney-Hyperion

Anddontget caught by her nemesis (and economics teacher-slash-town-councilwoman) Miss Ann Thrope.

EW presents an exclusive excerpt from book, which is out Tuesday.Preorder it here.

Dont throw a party just to impress a guy.

This is the story of how I never listen to my big sister.

2WARPATH OF SUCK1 a.m.

The face of evil looked so pretty in the moonlight.

Youd want to kiss her unless you knew better.

Then youd want to suffocate her.

The pretty lady with the blackest of hearts had arrived at everyones good time.

Anyone besides Thrope would admire the Chug Bug (pimped-out beer cruiser what wasnt to love?

The founder of Rancho Soldados Ladies Rifle Club never traveled unprepared.

Nice way to break up a party: pack a weapon and hold the beer truck hostage.

Always gunning for popularity, our Miss Ann Thrope.

Victoria, she hissed.

Are you responsible for this mess?

Dear Rancho Soldado High School Class of Two Thousand and Awesome:

Youre welcome.

Because yes, I personally made this party happen.

Love and easy does it on the orange marmalade Jell-O shots (thanks, Emerson Luong!

I told Thrope, If by mess you mean amazing- ness, then yes, Im responsible.

But you will be.Since school let out all of yesterday, Zeke had advanced to high school junior.

Thrope walked closer to him, sniffing for alcohol.

He exhaled loudly and she quickly retreated back to the Chug Bug.

Then her gaze narrowed onto my face again.

If this is your party, Victoria, I hope youre ready to see it end.

How badly could it end?

Happies was already over.

I told Thrope, No way am I going to let you ruin my party.

If this party was a mess, it wasmymess, and I had it under control.

Not really at all under control.

But what could Thrope do to me now?

Its not like I was counting on her for a college recommendation letter.

Id already been rejected from the one university Id applied to.

A beer truck serving minors?

The Chug Bug had been one of my better economic brainstorms, if I did say so myself.

A cash percentage would be nice, but the orgasms would be even better.

Really, really remembered me.

Well, then, Thrope said.

I guess nows the time for you to see how I deal with underage drinkers.

Before I could respond, Zeke said, Sing-alongs?

Bold move for a junior, Zeke!

Miss Ann Thrope hated nothing more than Happies.

Actually, like many high school teachers, what Thrope loathed most was students,period.

It made no sense.

Shed once been a Miss Happie!

Encouraged by Zeke, I joined in on the songs last line.So come to Happies .

hop hop hop!On cue, Zeke and I hop-hop-hopped to the last line of the song.

Take that, Thrope!

My persistent worry about someone setting a campfire in the park was misplaced.

The fury rising on Thropes face could easily have sparked one instead.

Zeke and I both yelled, realizing what she was about to do.

Thrope released the Chug Bugs parking brake.

The beer truck lurched forward suddenly, but slowly, creaking as it inched along the road.

Much, much louder.

The truck tumbled down the hillRUMBLE!

THUNK!before landing ver- tically at the bottom of the ravine.

The truck was smashed, totaled, dunzo.

Yet, somehow, its faceup lights still worked, illuminating the sky like a fucked-up Bat-Signal.

Thrope said, Thatis how I deal with underage drink- ing, kiddos.

Zeke looked at me, and I looked at him.

There really was only one response.

Fuuuuuuuck, we both said.

The sight was horrific, yet bizarrely compelling.

Thrope was the one at fault here.

But everyone knew it was my party, my idea .

and my mess, indeed.

Would I go from party hero to party pariah?

Had I taunted Thrope into unleashing this destruction?

All that beer gone to waste!

I feared everyone would blame meparticularly Jake.

Yes, I am that shallow.

The founder of the Rancho Soldado Ladies Rifle Club was on the hunt.

What are you going to do now?

I called to Thrope, but what I was really wondering was where the hell were Slick and Fletch?

There was no crisis I couldnt handle so long as they were on deck with me.

Thrope removed her rifle from its sling and cocked it onto her shoulder.

She turned back around to tell me, Im putting an end to this party once and for all.

Its time to kill all Happies.