We start with:
Dragonstone: It was, quite literally, a dark and stormy night.
“You wish to know where my true loyalties lie?”
“The people.”
Credit: Macall B. Polay/HBO
Hey, speaking of burning people alive, here’s Melisandre!
She was last seen banished by Jon Snow and told to head south for killing Shireen.
I wonder if she still has some clothes there she wants to pick up.
The Red Woman is brought before Dany.
Or perhaps it’sPrincessThat Was Promised?
Experienced translator Missandei corrects Melisandre’s prophecy description.
Melisandre explains she thought Stannis was The One.
Then she thought it might be Jon Snow.
Now she’s not ruling out Dany either.
Not to mention, Stannis would be so pissed if he died because of a grammar mistake.
Matchmaker Melisandre successfully gets Dany’s curiosity up about Jon Snow.
Tyrion notes that he’s a decent man.
Winterfell: But not as wary as Sansa!
Jon gets Tyrion’s letteryeah, just like that.
I’m pretty sure Westeros is now using FedEx instead of birds.
Jon talks to Sansa about whether he should go and see her.
Everybody hates this idea, especially Sansa, who channels Admiral Ackbar to trap-warn him.
Even cute Lyanna Mormont, who everybody loves every time she speaks, yells at Jon for knowing nothing.
Jon won’t be swayed.
Frankly, he probably wants to get the hell out of there and have some new adventures anyway.
He’s been looking miserable moping around Winterfell making tough political decisions while Sansa explains how stupid he is.
He does leave Sansa in charge, though, which seems to like her.
To stay up to date on everythingGame of Thrones, follow our all-encompassingFacebook page.
Before he goes, Jon pays a visit to the family crypt.
Now it’s the Jon-Sansa shippers who lean forward (you pervs).
Jon Snow mounts up and takes off.
We’re not sure if he’s ever going to see Winterfell again.
This seems pretty important.
Can’t Bran send Jon a letter since everybody else is sending him letters?
The Citadel: Ser Jorah isn’t doing so well.
His greyscale has spread and the maesters aren’t very helpful.
Sam tries to cure Ser Jorah anyway because he’s awesome and believes in actually trying to do things.
What follows is one of the grossest scenes inGame of Thrones, which is saying quite a bit.
Sam peels off the greyscale with a knife in a procedure that looks super painful and pus-squirting disgusting.
Sam finishes, but it’s unclear if this experimental Dr. House M.D-evil operation was successful.
He’s arguably the luckiest person on the show.
But it’s learning that Jon Snow is back at Winterfell that really throws Arya for a loop.
… That’s a toughie.
Later, Arya is accosted by wolves, but not just any wolves.
Her long-lost direwolf who bit Joffrey that she was forced to chase off in the first season.
They regard each other.
“I’m finally going home; come with me,” she pleads.
But Nymeria just looks at her impassively like a dog at a human who doesn’t have any snacks.
Nymeria and her pack turn away.
“That’s not you…” Arya says, which issucha great line.
So has Arya, as we just saw in the scene with Hot Pie.
So Arya continues her journey home.
Cersei is basically doing a negative campaign ad: Vote Lannister or the Targaryen Will Burn You Alive.
If anybody has been playing the role of Mad Queen around these parts, it sure ain’t Dany.
Mad scientist Qyburn takes Cersei down into the dragon skull room.
This gorgeous set is a terrific treat for readers of George R.R.
The show didn’t have the budget to portray this in the first season, but it does now.
Cersei just found a way to potentially even the playing field.
NEXT: Euron trouble!
Dragonstone: Daenerys has a strategy meeting with her advisors, the Greyjoys, Olenna, and Ellaria Sand.
Hot-headed Ellaria wants to wipe out Cersei in King’s Landing, but Tyrion has warned against that strategy.
This sounds like a great plan!
Too bad it all goes to hell in just a few minutes.
“Commoners won’t obey you unless they fear you,” she warns.
“The lords of Westeros are sheep.
Are you a sheep?
You’re a dragon.
Be a dragon.”
Dany is trying to break the wheel as a reformist.
But Sansa would totally retweet everything Olenna is saying.
As Tyrion said, Dany in “the great game” now.
But the same could be said for nearly all our favorites.
We wonder if they’ve learned the right lessons.
Meanwhile, Missandei and Grey Worm might never see each other again.
“You are my weakness,” he says.
Missandei appreciates that, but also wants more than nice wordsshe wants to get physical.
The Unsullied commander is hesitant.
This is like being asked to joust without a lance, so to speak.
But he overcomes his shyness to lay with her.
We hope they are as satisfied as they can be given the limitations involved.
This moment plays a lot better after you know what’s about to happen.
Then it’s Ellaria and Yara flirting in a cabin.
Theon tries to leave, but Ellaria wants to make him stand there and watch.
Poor Theon, everybody always wants him to be an awkward voyeur for some reason.
Euron has found them.
What follows is a thrilling sequence from director Mark Mylod.
It’s apparent from the outset that the Greyjoys are being overrun.
Euron is a bloody nightmare of psychotic rage-joy.
Two of the three Sand Snakes are down, their bodies left to decorate the ship.
Euron also captures Yara despite herGlow-like flying pro-wrestling leap down on top of him.
Theon spots them, and Euron tries to bait him into attacking.
Euron has no fear.
Theon is full of fear.
Hot Pie and Nymeria the direwolf aren’t the only long-lost characters to return this week.
And Reek does what Reek doeshe flees, jumping over the side.
Yara is heartbroken at the betrayal.
But it was probably Theon’s wisest move given Euron’s fighting skills.
Theon rushing at Euron would totally be pulling a Stark.
First correct to ewdigital@ew.com gets a ‘Winter Came for House Frey’ T-shirt and mug).
