Its for my grandmother shes loved you since she was a kid!
Well, that one lands like a hot poker to the uterus.
(Shes got costar approval, after all.)
Credit: Suzanne Tenner/FX
The cookie thats playing the neighbor?
I saw her, shes no threat.
Undeterred, Joan invites her to imagine how it will all crumble if/when Bobby inevitably starts shtupping the cookie.
Well, that does it.
At least you got yourself a nice souvenir for Grandma.
But things didnt start to boil over until the 40s, when they were intheir40s.
Flashback to Joan on set, fighting for more meaningful parts.
But laying an ultimatum on a stone-faced studio head backfires when he calls her bluff.
So, she signs on at Warner Brothers instead, at a very deep discount.
Especially for a woman.
And Bette, now doing her own barrel-scraping, no likey.
(Which is maybe just an excuse to show Sarandon recreating Davis legendaryWhat a dumpline from 1949sBeyond the Forest?
Whatever, its worth it.)
And Jack can already see the magic manifesting onscreen: Its fin electric!
he tells Bobby; hes decided hes going to take the picture wide, 400 screens.
And what could be safer than sticking a knife in that toaster every morning?
She is not a fan of this plan, dubbing it unnecessarily manipulative and cruel: Dont fool yourself.
Even youre not man enough to satisfy two women.
She also calls him out for his strudel on the side, some little SAG-card Pop-Tart named Gretchen.
Sing it,Susan-Sharon!
(It took a deep Google, dear reader, to realize where I recognized her from.)
Heddas giddy, and Bob looks like he wants to vomit, which he should.
NEXT: Bette reaches for the bourbon
Alas, it works.
Forget it, Joan, Bettes just jealous!
Channel all that hurt and rage into the role, he says, because Bob is a tricky bitch.
And also, more than a little bit desperate.
He knows he needs a hit or his career is DOA.
(Every time a Bette bell rings, a future Real Housewife gets her wings.)
And when it comes to actressing, Bette will wipe the floor with Joan.
In fact, shes already done it, everyone on set agrees.
Turn those hate knobs up to 11.
Bettes not so sure, though.
She meets Bob alone on a Saturday to ask: Should she invite Joan to dinner, make peace?
Trust me, he says, and she does.
Also, he has some lovely beachfront property in Phoenix, if youre interested.
But in the meantime, hell coach Bette through her future-legendary Ive Written a Letter to Daddynumber.
Their new closeness does not go unnoticed by Joan.
How long have you been sleeping with her?
Well, if thats how it is, shes quitting the picture!
No, shes not, silly.
She just needs to know shes No.
1 again, in his heart and in his pants.
She gets neither, but the show goes on.
And poor Peter gets dumped like a day-old French fry.
Shes broke, she tells her in the strictest confidence, $2 million in the hole.
Game recognizes game; or game just got played like Yahtzee.
Either way, the ploy works: Advantage, Joan.
And that chunky guy Bette thinks is working craft services?
Its her new costar, Victor Buono (Dominic Burgess).
I was expecting someone… she trails off, nonplussed.
You cant take it that your turn is over, so youre punishing me!
And now look at you.
So, fine, Ill go.
Anything to get away from you and your sadness.
Did you just reach for the bourbon?
(Also, we learn that Bobs grandfather was a U.S. senator and his cousin is Nelson Rockefeller.
Will Joan realize it, too?
Is Victor the worthy costar Bob promised?
How many new caftans are getting ready for their close-up?
Tune in next week.
Best lines
Youre casting with the wrong head, Bob.
It might have worked on that fat f over at MGM, but youre working for me now.
Jack Warner to Crawford
I dont need subtext, Bob, I needgoodtext.
Bette, complaining about the script
Theyre not getting along!
Theyre just teaming up, its like the Hitler-Stalin pact.
Your lines are stale, your deliverys predictable.
When I come back, Ill want you gone.
Joan, to freshly exed boyfriend Peter
Bette, listen.
Youve had a brilliant career.
Me, Im still on the B-list.
At least youve got an Oscar!
Bob, comforting a distraught Bette
Two.
Bette to Bob, smiling
