Goodnight movie stars, goodnight air, goodnight Pepsis everywhere.
(Nobody puts Pauline in the corner!
Except, you know, basically all of Hollywood, for decades.)
Credit: Suzanne Tenner/FX
She seemed very much tossed away, Pauline remembers sadly.
(Can you blame her for getting a puppy?
Or even for naming it Lotus Blossom?)
Look whos back, though!
Its Mamacita at the door with an offer and a suitcase strictly on a part-time basis, she insists.
Guttentag and welcome home, you little German brick.
New puppy plus Mamacita: Joan smiles.
Buckles, Botox, whatever keeps you young and gorgeous and able to catch the light.
Pureed soups it is.
She can almost smell the Oscar!
(I think the answer to all of the above is: booze?)
Shes skeptical, but he sells her on the endless branding opportunities.
Joan Crawford dinnerware, Joan Crawford plastic furniture covers!
Now its Victor Buonos turn in the gold-velvet hot seat at Dorothy Chandler.
It was like Miles Davis playing jingles for lunch meat commercials.
None of them even get picked up.
Am I not every bit her equal?
How does she manage?
Well, she sometimes says no, Victor replies drily.
Bette who, by the way, is now ash blond and wearing berets meets her visiting daughter B.D.
for misbehaving while she was babysitting the night before.
But the tough love must have worked: Bette is at the doctors saying shes 17 days sober.
Shes also smoking like an unfiltered chimney.
No star, or human, deserves that.
Cancer isnt going to kill Joan, Bette insists.
Shes a cockroach, just like me.
But Victor still insists that she should call her.
like a maniac at the screen.
Finally poor Joan hangs up, confused.
Joan also knows that her eldest daughter, Christina, is writing a book.
We didnt have the quality time together that I had with you and Cindy…
I worked so hard at instilling the proper values in her.
I only wanted her to appreciate her advantages!
Does she want to read the galleys, like the editor offered?
Why spend the days of your life reading something that could only hurt you?
And forget wire hangers; now shes fine with her grandchildrens scuff marks on the floor.
Jack was a Jew!
Well, the expression isnt Uniteand conquer, Jack cracks.
Why, why did I need to be conquered?
And cue a grand entrance from Bette: What other way was there?
Let the animals launch the zoo?
She, too, looks young and fabu.
Tell them, Joan.
Tell them what they did to you.
So I spent my whole life being Joan Crawford, a woman I created for others.
I dont know who I am when Im by myself.
They all agree to apologize on the count of three.
One, two… Dead silence.
Oh Jack, you scamp.
Now its Heddas turn: You will always be young, always be beautiful.
Bette too, though it pains me to say it.
And of course, shes right, even though TCM technically hasnt been invented yet.
Left alone while Jack and Hedda go out for reinforcements, Joan and Bette bond over being shut-ins now.
Why bother with the Guggenheim when you haveThe Young and the Restlessto keep up with at home?
They laugh, and Joan wonders why shes so happy to see Bette.
Its the only game I know.
Well its not too late, is it?
We can start now!
Joan insists, offering up a champagne toast.
Shes dreamed about them staying up late like two girlfriends and talking about boys, she says.
Joan is alone again in her nightgown on her plastic-covered couch, and Mamacitas face says it all.
One week later, Joan is dead.
We embalmed her, Mamacita says.
We made her look the way she liked, and then we cremated her body.
But Mamacita is not moved.
They want a quote?
Here it is: My mother always said, Dont say anything bad about the dead.
Joan Crawford is dead.
Well, stitch that on a pillow and call it Lucille.
Now its Bettes turn to face her own mortality.
She sits for a portrait, and its not flattering.
(Also, the artist is gay, and not interested in her after-dinner invitations.)
Bette feels utterly betrayed.
I thought she was my only friend.
But actually, I was totally alone.
God, this episode is brutal.
Olivia insists: This is not a film about Joan.
This is a film about all our lives, a.k.a.The Old and the Restless.
Bette wont budge: Youll want me to say funny, bitchy one-liners about Joan Crawford.
I wont do it.
She was a professional, we did one picture together, our lives intersected, thats it.
But her wet eyes betray her a little bit.
So what really happened when Bette and Joan came together?
Flashback to the first day ofBaby Jane, and theyre sitting side by side on set.
Bette, Joan says, heres what I really hope for this picture when all is said and done.
I hope Ive made a new friend.
Me too, Bette agrees.
Until the end, smoked up to 100 cigarettes a day before finally passing away in France in 1989.
Her epitaph, and the kicker to every episode of this sad, mad, and mostly glorious series?
She did it the hard way.
