Michael Fassbender stars in this adaptation of the video game series.
Incoherence is an underrated virtue in popcorn films.
Bad blockbuster movies are never dumb just because theyre nonsense.
Credit: Kerry Brown
Will pop culture never free us from these infernal mythologies?!
Now along comesAssassins Creedto makeWarcraftlook good.
Justin Kurzels adaption of Ubisofts infamously buggy game franchise cant even thrill you with the possibility of mystery.
It opens with a white-text-on-black-screen crawl explaining how Assassins fight Templars for the Apple of Eden.
Its as if Luke Skywalker spent a whole movie learning what an Empire was.
Both are played by Michael Fassbender.
Historians will thank Fassbender for giving his two worst performances in the same movie.
Aguilar is just some dude who fights people, for reasons youll never care about.
Hes surrounded by collaborators.
Its being distributed by 20th Century Fox, the studio behind hisX-MenandAlienpaychecks.
Kurzel was also Fassbenders director on last yearsMacbeth.
Assassins Creedmistakenly assumes that the plot is the most important element of its source material.
Actually, its the least.
The bestCreeds are visceral wish-fulfillments of urban tourism, letting you wander over the rooftops of ancient cities.
Kurzel has no time for quiet, stealth, nor serenity.
Fassbender lets his weird instincts shine through just once, scream-singing an imitation of Patsy Clines rendition of Crazy.
It never doesnt look stupid.
Heres a film that turns Michael Fassbender into a puppet, and oh, those strings hold him down.D
