Just rhinestones and absurdity.
A parade of B-list singing stars trying to belong on the same stage as Patti LaBelle.
But this year, theyve somehow pulled aBachelor/Bachelorettefinale on us and stretched this nonsense to four hours.
Credit: Eric McCandless/ABC
Two yesterday, two today.
The whole thing just keeps going and going, so Ive watched it all.
Ive catalogued it below.
Eric McCandless/ABC
Make up your mind, ABC.
DoesIdolhave a history or not?
This is your finale recap, andTHISisAmerican Idol.
Caleb Lee Hutchinson, as Lionel Ritchie
This was Caleb Lees best performance this season.
I would pay money to see him do a Lionel Ritchie imitation for an hour.
Nick Jonas, Anywhere / Nick Jonas feat.
Jurnee, Jealous
Ah, yes, Mustard.
Not sure how he got top billing on a song he barely sang on, but good for Mustard.
To be honest, I hate a medley.
But Im happy to see Jurnee come back after snatching Ariana Grandes high pony directly off her head.
Nick Jonas serves as our constant between the two performances.
And for that, we should be grateful.
And if the song isnt enough for you, Gabby soundsreally gooddoing harmony with Luke.
Not sure if she carried the song on her own, but with Luke?
Also, Luke is still a dreamboat in his Canadian tuxedo tonight.
judge, but hes been really nice.
Gary Clark Jr feat.
Dennis Lorenzo and Cade Foehner, Bright Lights
Oh wow, Dennis is really solid as a rocker?
And Cade, as it turns out, has chest hair well below his chest.
How do I know that?
Performance-wise, this is actually a pretty stellar song.
I feel like this is the first time Ive understood rock music!
Kermit the Frog, Rainbow Connection
Thats not Kermit.
It sounds nothing like him, and im legitimately upset about it.
I love Kermit, but guys.
Let it be noted that right after the 9:50 p.m. mark, this show went off the damn rails.
Hes just an alpaca joke becauseAmerican Idolis doing everything but soldering my eyes open with gimmicks.
Want to listen to the superior version?Here you go.
As your completely unbiased and reliable recapper, if you need a break, listen tothis.
I dont know, guys!
Im just feeling super apprehensive about this whole situation.
But Bebe leaves the final three on the stage, and from there?
THIRD PLACE GOES TO: GABBY BARRETT
LOL, WHAT.
If anyone were a lock for the final two, it was definitely going to be Gabby Barrett.
I dont think anyone thought that she would make third, including her.
LeAnn Rhimes, Layla Spring and Dixie, Blue
Theyre really trying to burn time arent they?
Michael J Woodard, What The World Needs Now
Well, this was gorgeous.
Plus Michael got to wear a crazy little hat.
Caleb and Maddie are boyfriend and girlfriend.
I have no idea anymore.
The formatting of this recap is going to be off the charts bonkers because I just cant anymore.
Im honestly so sorry that this is all in bold.
Roll with me the way were supposed to roll with this finale.
Anyway,American Idolis sending these two to Hawaii.
My whole world is upside down.
Ada Vox, Lady Marmalade
Ok, guys.
I am blinded by absurdity at this point.
They are not having Patti LaBelle and Ada Vox duet Lady Marmalade.
So, at the end of this road, were down to naming one winner.
Do you even have the energy to finish this recap?
You better because its the only thing I have left to say.
American freaking did it.
You guys were put in charge of voting for something, and you didnt botch it.
