The superhero would-be blockbuster is functional but frustrating.
Its constrained, dense with potential that remains knotted either by a lack of skill or lack of time.
It is theF it, well do it live!of movies.
None of the characters have perspectives or cohesive arcs.
Look: its not a terrible movie (read EWs review here).
Compared toSuicide SquaditsCasablanca(orThor: Ragnarok).
Its not boring, and there are some funny moments.
So lets break down what goes down together, shall we?
And obviously, spoilers abound.
What was the deal with Supermans upper lip?
But hisM:I 6role required a mustache and he was contractually forbidden to shave it off.
But once you start paying attention to his upper lip: hoo-boy.
How is Ben Afflecks performance?
TheArgofilmmakers entire performance can be summed up bythat photo of him smoking sadly on the street.
Who was this villain?
His name was Steppenwolf, which is the only even relatively cool or unique thing about him.
Steppenwolf has no perspective.
Even a lengthy exposition montage narrated by Wonder Woman couldnt adequately explain his goal or purpose.
They explode in bright green goo, sometimes for no reason.
Steppenwolf pops up where he needs to pop up and then hes defeated when he needs to be defeated.
It would have been more interesting to see these superheroes face off against some particularly tricky plastic shell packaging.
Was all of this just a heavy-handed metaphor for helping the environment?
So, theres all of the nonsense shouting that Steppenwolf does about Mother Boxes.
I dont mind the ocean levels rising, Aquaman replies, understandably.
What about if they wereboiling?Batman fires back like the most annoying speaker at a middle school assembly.
This issue is dropped and never brought up again.
Why would the Amazons ever be in leather bikini armor?
Presumably, to show this is in the past, the Amazons are wearingleatherarmor.
Was there a time the Amazons didnt know how to forge steel?
Impossible: theyre using swords.
And the humans in this flashback are wearing armor made of either iron or steelthey look Viking-era.
What possible explanation is there for why the Amazons would choose to defend themselves with only leather crop tops?
How does Barry Allen not know who Bruce Wayne is?
Bruce Wayne is a world-famous billionaire, one of the richest men alive.
Not even a Dont I know you from somewhere?
In the logic of this universe, Bruce Wayne is a notorious party boy.
His face has been in newspapers.
How does a teen or twenty-something boy not know who he is?
Thats not how you pronounce viola, right?
The instrument is pronounced vee-oh-la.
I am fully aware Im being a pedant here.
Honestly, Ezra Miller was the only bright spot in this film.
How many changes of clothing did Wonder Woman bring with her from Paris to Gotham?
Im not going to get all Justice Leagueis sexist!
here because, inJustice Leagues defense, we get plenty of shirtless Jason Momoa and Henry Cavill.
Batman at one point specifically says that the Watto-bugs are all over.
So why is the only thing were going on a childs drawing that the police assume is Batman?
We all have cell phones now.
And theres a massive infestation in Russia where there are more dash-cams than people.
Why does Alfred, the fancy British butler, wear cargo pants?
Multiple pairs of cargo pants, and a cargo jacket at one point.
Why does re-animating Superman turn him into the Hulk?
and finally, the oh good, someone he loves to bring him back to himself.
Why does resurrection make him evil?
Why is he so furious at Batman that he was going to literally murder him?
Even after coming back from the dead, youd think hed still fundamentally be Superman.
Steppenwolf just swoops in and grabs it, and the group is just like, Oh, darn.
I guess that means we have to do a climactic confrontation.
At that point, we were all just going through the motions of a superhero movie.
Why does it feel like no one involved in this movie sawWonder Woman?
This is the most egregious confusion in the movie for me.
He was a symbol of hope, Batman scowls at Wonder Woman.
So why arent you?
Except… that doesnt make sense.
She fought alongside the two of them, in her full costumed regalia.
She… came back from her, I guess, deep depression about Steve Trevor.
She blocks bullets from a group of hostages.
She literally saves and presumably inspires that whole group of people.
So why is this movie gaslighting us into thinking we dreamed that entire scene?
I also find it slightly difficult to believe Wonder Woman has trouble being a leader.
Anyone who saw her movie knows that she is anincredibleleader.
Think back on the way she strode through No Mans Land to liberate that French town.
And Trevor died before her final faceoff against Ares.
I dont buy it.
Hey, that is a bad thesis.
Why wouldnt Bruce Wayne have helped Martha Kent earlier?
So, like I said, Supermans moms farm is being foreclosed on at the beginning of the movie.
Banks sell foreclosed properties.)
But why wouldnt Bruce have helped Martha earlier?
But also: wasnt the whole Martha thing the whole point ofBatman v Superman?
They had to save Martha!
No follow up Hey, how are you?
Does Bruce Wayne not know what sarcasm is?
So the gang is in the Batcave, trying to figure out where Steppenwolf brought the three boxes.
Cyborg helpfully points out that it would have to be somewhere with no electricity or satellite cover.
Well that narrows it down, Batman says sarcastically because that is a phrase most peopledouse exclusively sarcastically.
Not enough, Cyborg replies completely earnestly.
I cannot wrap my mind around this interaction.
What is going on here?
Does Bruce Wayne not think that?
Is he just being sarcastic out of habit?
And since his tone is definitely sarcastic, whats the deal with Cyborgs reply?!
Youd think the appropriate response is, Wait, Bruce, actually itdoesnarrow it down.
And then Bruce would say, No, youre right.
Sorry I was being snippy.
But I would have rather watched a whole movie about that night they spent together, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern-style.
Just two superhuman teens chatting as they do a weird, macabre task for a disaffected billionaire.
Does anyone have Tom Stoppards number?
Joss Whedon wrote the whole Wonder Woman goes over to dress Batmans wounds scene right?
It had Whedon written all over it.
They might as well have been Natasha and Bruce Banner, or Inara and Mal fromFirefly.
Same, random theater girl.
