Baby showers are frightening under any and all circumstances. Regardless, a baby shower at the Lodge residence is their plan. Its all very upsetting, so sure, why not have a party? Credit: Dean Buscher/The CW Of all people, its Hermione who eventually convinces Alice to attend the party. Theres an easy solution here. Little does Alice know that Pollys insisted the Blossoms be invited, as well. Polly wants to show them that shes not an unfit mother....

Veronica, Archie, and Mrs. Cooper (!?) team up to spy on Jughead’s hot dad. Thats when V and Alice team up to investigate the murder by turning their attention to bad daddy FP. Credit: Katie Yu/The CW (Did the Coopers kill someone in high school?! That sounds exactly like the kind of thing we should just go ahead and table for right now.) and reveal that FP has just been arrested for Jasons murder....

What I love most aboutRiverdaleis that it simultaneously surprises and completely makes sense at the same time. (The latter is still conjecture but Im leaning more towards incest than not here.) Episode 5 ofRiverdalewants youto think its mainly about Archie, whom we find in a depressed post-Grundy state. Credit: Diyah Pera/The CW and salvage the integrity of the metaphorical tortilla. Theyve invited everyone who holds a grudge against the family so, basically, everyone in Riverdale....

Furthermore, the episode doesnt do much in terms of advancing the Jason Blossom story line, either. Archie is worried that Betty will do something crazy with this information. Im happy to report that Betty doesnt make a run at boil Ms. Grundy alive. Credit: Dean Buscher /The CW During the interview, Geraldine lets slip that Jason Blossom was also one of her independent study students. Ms. Grundy says she doesnt think of her students that way, and the interview ends....

Archie gets his feet stuck in a maple-syrup mess with the rotting Blossom family. Say youll reconsider escorting my daughter to the tapping. Ive had just about enough of the Blossom family. Credit: Diyah Pera/The CW Archie asks Clifford Blossom to forego the favor of the summer music program and stop terrorizing Freds company instead. Clifford agrees provided that Archie beard for Cheryl. Alice wants him to uncover insider dirt for an expose she wants to write about the trustee drama....

Its a week of revelations here inRiverdale riverlations? but some bombshells are taken far less seriously than others. Betty and Jughead are dating? Credit: Katie Yu/The CW Jason Blossom was going to be a father? Oh, ha, weird. A social pariah largely forgotten by the town for months is now on the loose? Sound the alarms and alert the FBI and tell the neighborhood fromThe Truman Showto search the island!!!...

that she puts every ounce of her energy into throwing a birthday party for Jughead. Both good reasons to throw a party. Veronicachugs after discovering several more frightening things about her father earlier that day. Credit: Cate Cameron/The CW (This, in my experience, does not typically happen at American high school functions.) Grundy!?). Are you happy, Cheryl? The CW Did your plan work? Did any of this matter? Why did nobody leave?...

Barb from Stranger Things saves the day in her debut alongside Betty and Veronica. Also, sticky maples. On the third week,Riverdalecreated Barb fromStranger Things, and it was good. Credit: Diyah Pera/The CW Well, actually,shewas good, but the rest of this weeks episode? Lets just say one of the Blossom twins is lucky he didnt have to watch it. Dont get me wrong:Riverdaleis doing things for my soul that I thought impossible in 2017....

Jason’s murderer is revealed, along with a whopping secret about two of Riverdale’s worst families. Only it turns out that the incest weve had a jolly time theorizing was right. Well, half right. Credit: Bettina Strauss/The CW Simple, short, but wholly horrifying in the implications it has for next season. (A Betty-Cheryl bonding episode sounds legitimately worse than being shot and dumped in Sweetwater River.) It starts with FP in jail, confessing to all sorts of things that are dubiously true....

Archie tries his hand at wrestling as the town gets ready for Pickens Day Riverdale is a strange place. And Im not even talking about the long-lost brothers or the serial killers or the super,superhot dads. After all, the title of this episode is The Wrestler, and thats all about Hiram and Archie. Credit: Dean Buscher/The CW For everyone else, Pickens Day is pretty much just a celebration of the place they call call home....

Archie offers an olive branch to Betty and Jughead as an autopsy bombshell rocks the school. The milkshake is the Patronus ofRiverdale, as telling of its characters internal pathos as tea leaves. Are you a classic friend-zone vanilla like Betty, frozen to harbor universality as well as an intact cherry? Credit: Diyah Pera/The CW Are you an indecisive, sexy strawberry, much like Archie, himself an indecisive, sexy strawberry? Or are you the milkshake equivalent of whatever makes a Jughead?...

Anyway, thats all I want to say about Lorde. Here we go: The sixth hour ofRiverdaletakes larger-than-normal strides in the advancement of the Polly-Jason mythos shes pregnant! And stuck in a teen convent rehab prison! Credit: Diyah Pera/The CW She initially wont betray her Pussycats, so Veronica volunteers. Hermione forges her signature anyway. She makes out with Fred, presumably, and Veronica ispissed, unpresumably. So, welcome to the family, Josie. Just like every other teenager inRiverdale, your parents are awful, but youre pretty neat....

Did you guys forget thatArchie was in juvie? Because I definitely did. Also, why didnt they breakMad Dogout?! Credit: Jack Rowand/The CW Sorry, Im getting ahead of myself. Hey, what did you expect from Archie Andrews, some sort of genius escape? Of course, it fails, which lands Archie in hot water with the warden. Jugheads theory is that theyve all been playing this game for a lot longer than they even know....